Tagged “relationships”

Peter Gabriel was right. The book of love is 848 pages, and full of charts and facts, and figures

At first, I had “ask nothing of you” but it didn’t quite feel right. It felt too detached, like they wanted nothing from others, like they never invited you to things or asked for commitment, and this isn’t true of the people I’m thinking of. The most charismatic people I know, who seem to have this radiant, magnetic quality to their presence, are actually those who actively invite you to things with your best interests in mind but are totally okay with you declining, and they really mean it.

we can’t compete with AI boyfriends either. Or AI friends:

Soon, these “fake people” won’t just be indistinguishable from real people, they’ll be better than real people - because they’ll be whatever you want them to be.

The agreeableness thing I have seen come up a few times recently. We probably prefer it, so I assume training will be biased toward it. There are times you don’t want the computer to argue with you, but hyper-agreeable friends does not bode well for echo chambers.

in classic HN style the first comment was “write free software to prevent authoritarian regimes”.

Everyone wants to date someone impressive, but focusing on impressiveness in dating is perfectly useless

but you don’t actually get to fuck broad social approval. you get to fuck some particular person they alone want to fuck you for some specific special reason

Great list. Liked the line “Boredom is the stealthy third party in relationships”. And this:

9. Talking about feelings is a trap.
   Everyone who knows me knows this is one hill I will die on. While I’m all about encouraging people to talk about their feelings, I am equally devoted to the idea we should shut up sometimes.

Sharing every little thought and feeling with partners is often born of insecurity, which is understandable, especially if your partner is not giving much (or any) feedback. But no-one can listen intently to all of it. It’s exhausting for them, not to mention a little boring.

HN thread

At dinner with two friends yesterday, it came up that all three of us feel
that we can’t meaningfully show ourselves at our (STEM) jobs; at work lunches,
oftentimes silence reigns,
& there’s never a heartfelt conversation. We despaired at the prospect of living this for 40 years.

that “traditional” marriages are not particularly traditional for any serious time scale

• Host something regularly
• Short term stays (couple of weeks)
• Help friends get leases
• Make friends nearby

I look out for people who have been isolating more than usual, those who are withdrawn when usually outgoing. I have learned that a simple “hello” can go a long way. This helps me from falling into despair myself.

very beautiful. The impossibility of trying to describe incomprehensible things, the inability to explain what you like about someone, or the risk of breaking them down into categories that are then interchangeable

Lots on parenting and time. On choices to have kids, on free time, life satisfaction, population growth, ageing, and bunch of other random jumbles of life advice.

everyone loses 10 years to something, somewhere along the line

That’s a fallacy. You didn’t so much “lose” 10 years, it just took 10 years to come to an understanding about a meaningful part of your life. And maybe you really needed all that time to arrive there.

Whatever your goal is, try to stop having 0% days.
You don’t need to have 100% days, Just avoid having 0% days.

Changing norms of intimacy and love over time, and the modern shift to people who are in love want to have sex.

Archived version

Excellent review and discussion of Couples Therapy.

Where and with whom you have sex a bigger determinate on income than education or career.

How I started letting go of my anxiety: slowly and reluctantly. I relaxed more when I noticed that I felt better. And then I kept letting go, more and more and more

The most useful skill you can acquire as a human is the ability to help other people feel safe.
If you don’t feel safe, your anxiety will bleed through.

also means letting people know the bad parts

We don’t have a script for ending friendships. No rituals or cliches or formalities. And they usually instead just fade over time

Winning variation in “preferred hug from a researcher while blindfolded” was 10s with one arm above, one arm below.

interesting discussion on experiences and stats of apps

1. Double down on your best friendships (plural added)
2. Do one thing well and watch it compound
3. An hour of thinking can save you a decade of work